Thinking Inside and Outside the Box - Page 8

Mania, 2016. 

Detail (open box).

Depression, 2016.

Detail (open box).

My Memory Boxes: 

"I decided to make my memory boxes on my bipolar disorder. 

One box on Mania and one on depression. I chose the heart-shaped box for mania because it is sometimes quite nice to be manic as you feel happy and free of inhibitions. Sometimes when the mania gets too severe it can feel bad as your thoughts are racing, hence the discordant colours I have painted on the box with jagged edges. Mania can make you feel angry and aggressive which is so alien to my nature. I am including my song lyrics to the song I wrote about bipolar disorder, called "Colours of My Mind", also an MP3 of the song sung by me.

It is very difficult when you are ill, as you are often treated quite badly, especially when you are manic. One time, when I got very ill after caring for my elderly mum on holiday, I got home and was having a manic episode I was arguing with my husband in the kitchen and lost control of my bladder in fright, so I went to the shower and cleaned myself up and put my pyjamas on for bed. Suddenly, the police arrived and talked to me in the living room and my husband in the kitchen, then they made me put my husband's slippers on as I couldn't find mine, they handcuffed me took me out to a prison van and locked me in. They drove me to the police station, fingerprinted me, took my photo and put me in a prison cell. I was very frightened, especially as I am very claustrophobic and don't like locked doors. They made me feel like a criminal at a time when I was very vulnerable. A women spoke to me finally through the cell door, she said " I hear you're not feeling very well!" I thought that was an understatement, would anyone feel well after being dragged out of their house late at night in their pyjamas and husband's slippers to be in handcuffs and treated like a criminal. I felt very badly treated. 

I was sent to a mental hospital called Woodhaven in the New Forest, too far away for anyone to visit me. It was in a lock-down state as there were a lot of violet patients there. When I arrived I felt very afraid and vulnerable as I was in my pyjamas and there were men everywhere. Luckily for me a very kind patient befriended me and gave me some of her clothes, otherwise I would have had to remain in my pyjamas and husband's slippers. I was attacked by one of the violent female patients. 

I was eventually transferred to NHS Melbury Lodge, Winchester - local to my home where people could visit me and I could finally get some of my own clothes to wear. 

One of the female patients (a friend of mine) came into my room whilst I was lying on my bed listening to music, she put her hands around my throat and tried to strangle me to death. Luckily, I had the sense of mind to grab a handful of her hair, jerking her head sideways causing her to lose her grip or I wouldn't have survived. I informed the staff, they did nothing about it.

The worse thing about this particular time I was hospitalised was that I lost my husband.  He can to visit me and said he'd taken off his wedding ring, which broke my heart. He left me for a friend of mine and started divorce proceedings against me whilst I was still n hospital. 

As part of my contribution to this project, I have included the lyrics to my song "Colours of my Mind", which I wrote in 2000 about my bipolar disorder. There is an MP3 that accompanies my  artwork / keep-sake boxes with the song on it. I wrote the words and music and sung it. 

I have one box on mania with images cut out and marbles in it. It shows how you buy a lot when manic. 

The other box is on depression and includes a broken heart and tears in it. I have the word husband because of my broken heart when he left me. I also have a daughter and a son in there because they haven't spoken to me for 17 years because I ran away from their violent dad. My father is in there because he was so violent to me. I also have a list of people I lost, who sadly passed away.

I chose bright vibrant colours like orange, purple, green and red for the mania box as it signifies mania really well.

I chose dark blue for the depression box as it signifies "the blues". I chose Gothic lettering for dramatic effect on the box both boxes.

I also have included a poem I wrote called Expatiate, which explains what it's like when you're manic and can't stop talking."   - Transcribed from Anon notebook.